Shot Through the Heart
by THE Shadow Omega
Summary: Around LoveLove Island, an island shrouded in mystery and feminine wrath, sails the illustrious Cupid the Matchmaker. Her Devil Fruit power is feared, despised, and lethal in its own little way. And when the powers take hold of Sanji, the results are like
1. Chapter 1

Shot Through the Heart

Chapter One

"Love-Love Island?" Nami read from a sign hanging not far from the dock. She entered first, letting the others fall in behind as they braved this new island.

"Why do you suppose they call it that?" Robin asked, the only other member of the crew who wasn't distracted by all manner of exciting prospects on the bustling main street they found themselves roaming.

"I'll bet it's because of all these beautiful women!" Sanji, jelly-legged and grinning, clasped his hands and surveyed the citizens crowding the cobblestone thoroughfare. Indeed, the place seemed to be unnaturally teeming with comely women, tough every one of them seemed to be in a bad mood. Immediately picking out a favorite, Sanji fell to his knees in front of a modestly-dressed redhead, and began to profess his everlasting adoration.

"Ah, such bea—" he was cut abruptly short, and everyone watched as he slumped, face-first, to the ground. The redhead stormed off, her scowl suggesting something worse than simple annoyance.

"She kicked him." Usopp noted flatly.

"In the face." Zoro sounded slightly impressed.

"Shouldn't someone see if he's okay?" Chopper asked, his voice small and meek.

"You're the doctor," the others pointed out in unison.

Chopper edged toward the prostrate cook, poking one hoof out apprehensively. Nudge, nudge. He barely touched Sanji before everyone heard his muffled, forlorn reply. "Leave me to die in my humiliation."

"A Samurai romantic. Interesting," Nami walked over to kneel beside him. Adopting her softest, sweetest voice, she cooed in his ear, "Sanji-kun…"

He was up and grinning within a moment, eyebrow curling peculiarly as he sang, "Haaaiii Nami-saaan!"

She slapped him on the back of the head. "You're not allowed to die while you still owe me money!" she barked.

"Nami-san is so vigilant!" Sanji whined adoringly, massaging the spot on his cheek where he had been kicked.

"Let's find out how long a Log Pose takes to set here." Nami stood up and left Sanji to himself. She scanned the crowd, but all the natives seemed to be strategically avoiding eye contact. Every time she would wave her hand or open her mouth to call someone's attention, they expertly avoided her and kept their eyes downcast or dead ahead. All the women were scowling. And, she noted to herself, the scarce few men around were all wearing eyepatches.

"Excuse me? Ma'am? Pardon me? Hello?" As passersby continued to ignore her, Nami's temper visibly flared. Before she had the chance to hurl an insult in some stranger's path, Luffy took matters into his own hands.

"Ossan!" he cried, waving exuberantly at what seemed to be the only grown man in town who wasn't wearing an eyepatch. He stopped, crooked his glance in Luffy's direction, and waited.

"Ask him, Luffy. About the Log Pose." Nami nudged him in the back, still a bit nettled.

Blink, blink. "Oi, Ossan, where's the nearest restaurant?"

Nami tackled him to the ground and began to take out her frustrations in the most instinctive way. As she pulled at Luffy's rubbery limbs and twisted him this way and that, shouting the entire time, Zoro took the opportunity to speak for the group. "How long until a Log Pose sets here?" he asked. The old man snickered mischievously. Zoro's brow flinched suspiciously.

"About ten minutes. Should already be set, in fact."

Nami stopped pummeling Luffy, and looked up with a quizzical blank on her face. She glanced at her wrist, and her expression lit up with excitement. "It's set! It's set! Come on, we're getting out of here. This place gives me the creeps." She grabbed Luffy by the collar, and was already taking off toward the dock. The old man began to walk off, muttering, "If you're pirates, I'd be quick about it. The locals here don't take too kindly to outsiders."

"We noticed, " Zoro sneered, and turned to follow Luffy.

"Why can't we stay and look around?" Chopper asked, eyeing a candy store that Luffy had somehow missed.

"Because Sanji might get killed." Robin spoke up, a sly smile on her face.

"So many pretty ladies…" Sanji moaned as they retraced their steps, wringing his hands mournfully, "…I can understand if they don't want anything to do with these other brutes, but why ME?….Why do they hate me! There's nothing wrong with me…"

"Do you even LISTEN to yourself?" Zoro shot in his general direction, but Sanji just kept right on whimpering.

"Oi! There's something on the mast!" Luffy exclaimed as he climbed aboard the ship's deck.

Usopp, not far behind him, shrieked, "Vandals! How dare anyone desecrate this precious ship?"

"It's a Wanted poster," Luffy said, pulling it off of the center mast and examining it. Usopp crowded his shoulder, brow furrowed indignantly, "awww…it's nobody special. I've never even heard of this woman…! And my picture is much cooler!"

Sanji, eyes still bowed in sadness, poked his head between them, his curiosity piqued. "Woman? What's the—WHO IS THAT BEAUTIFUL LADY!" He grabbed the poster from Luffy's hands and examined it closer. No one would argue that the pirate pictured wasn't attractive. But she was also worth a respectable thirty million.

"Cupid the Matchmaker!" he hugged the poster to his chest and swiveled from left to right, his smile thoughtless and blissful, "that such a beauty sails the sea as well is proof that our love is meant to be! She left this poster as a love letter! I know it! Oh, generous Mother Ocean—"

"He's quick on the rebound, isn't he?" Zoro pointed out, already knees-up on the deck and prepared for a nap.

"Cupid?" Nami piped up, joining the group at the center of the deck, "I've, I've heard of her…"

She snatched the poster from Sanji, who withered in adoration. "Nami-san knows everyone!"

"Decide who you're in love with!" Zoro was only awake enough to bark this, and then fell asleep.

"Ahhhh!" Nami shrieked, "that's Cupid the Matchmaker! The richest pirate on the Grand Line! They say she'll walk away with every penny on board an enemy ship, and never strike one blow!"

She turned to Luffy, and announced resolutely, "Luffy, I've decided that we need to find Cupid the Matchmaker."

"Well, I think we should—"

"I'll need to decide how I should confess my undying love!" Sanji cried, dancing excitedly.

"—find something to eat, because—"

"And I need to punish her for vandalizing Kaya's ship!" Usopp added.

"Wait! I'm the Captain! I decide what we do!"

Suddenly, a shrill whistle interrupted them. Everyone contorted their faces and covered their ears, unable to react until the noise died out, and was replaced with loud, clucking laughter.

"No need to go looking, lovelies."

At the front of the ship, spread-eagled and akimbo atop the sheep's head, a striking presence in feathers and white satin had appeared.

Sanji blinked and glanced from the poster, to the new arrival, then back to the poster before it finally hit him. His composure dissolved immediately, "Cupid! My love! We've found each other at last!"

Zoro hadn't even bothered to unsheath his swords, but he was awake enough to be on his feet if the need arose. Cupid, however, didn't seem the least bit concerned with a fight. She leapt to the deck casually, and ambled forward hip-first. Sanji was melting more by the moment, gleeful and barely containing his admiration. Nami's eyes were fixed greedily on the diamonds dripping from every conceivable spot on her neck, ears, fingers, and wrists.

"What did I hear about Cupid the Matchmaker?" Nami mumbled to herself, as the buxom white-blonde intruder took a long, lazy look at her surroundings, "something about her Devil Fruit power…it doesn't hurt you, but what does it do?"

As Nami wracked her brain, Luffy's stomach growled audibly. "Aaauuughh," he moaned, "lady, do you have any food?"

"I might," she turned to him and flipped her hair, smile shining like the jewels encrusting her neck, "care for a banquet aboard my pirate ship? My treat."

She gestured to her right. When the crew glanced over, they noticed a sleek, top-of-the-line Galleon sitting in the water to their starboard side.

"I wonder how we didn't notice that before," Usopp sighed, sounding a bit fearful.

"Oi, Usopp," Zoro mentioned, "weren't you saying something about punishing her?"

Cupid's eyes flashed on Usopp questioningly, her pinkish lips twisting into a smirk. Usopp's knees knocked immediately together. "Why do you have to mention that? I was only kidding!" He waved to Cupid frantically, "only kidding, only kidding. This guy's a joker, you don't even know him! Heh heh…"

"A banquet! I've never been on a Galleon before! Let's go, let's go, let's go!" Luffy bounced excitedly, but Nami clamped one hand on his shoulder and pointed at Cupid.

"No! This is probably what she does! She probably lures pirates from their ships with deception, and then robs them!"

"Now don't you think that story would have circulated by now if it were true?" Cupid sighed and walked forward, reached out to touch Nami's chin. Sanji nearly fainted at her nearness. Nami noticed with great interest that even her fingernails seemed to be coated with diamond dust, "hm, you're very pretty. You could be a member of my crew if you wished, you know."

"No way!" Nami slapped her hand away. Cupid giggled at her impetuousness, but did not strike back, "this is my crew! Get off our ship!"

"I'm not doing any harm to be here," she noted with ennui, and drew back from Nami a bit, "I don't think your crew has anything I couldn't do without, anyway. What would I gain from pillaging you? As you can see, my tastes are rather….extravagant…" She pulled up one sleeve and flashed a pear-shaped diamond roughly the size of a fat strawberry. With relish, she noticed the sparkle and interest in Nami's eyes at this.

"Well you're wrong!" Usopp spoke up, "we travel in this ship and dress this way as our cover! If only you knew about the three billion beri we have stored aboard our ship! Ha! We're far richer than you are! Peasant!"

"Usopp…" Nami's voice wavered, "I really don't think you should lie about things like that to this—"

"I don't believe a word of that." Cupid replied.

Usopp's face fell. "You could at least pretend to be a LITTLE impressed—"

"Cupid-chwaaan!" Sanji's voice suddenly interrupted, and the crew glanced over in horror to notice that Sanji was on his knees, hugging Cupid by the legs, "your beauty has absolutely overtaken me! I've decided that I can't possibly live without you!"

Cupid tilted her head, obviously amused but not very surprised by his, in fact, very odd behavior. "Have we…met before?" She asked.

Suddenly, Nami's face flushed. "Oh no! I just remembered!"

"Only in my dreams, Cupid-chan!" Sanji looked up, grinning.

"Are you sure?"

"I must have been in love with you from the day I was born!" Sanji replied, standing up and spinning around in a flourish of lovesick gesturing.

"Ah. Then allow me to show you the true extent of my love!" Cupid replied. Her smile was what anyone but a lovesick fool would call snake-like.

Nami's voice was almost a footnote. "Sanji, get away from her! I just remembered what I learned about her Devil Fruit power!"

Sanji turned his eyes momentarily, looking at Nami sweetly. "Nami, are you jealous?" He asked

"Sanji, you have to listen to me--!"

Suddenly, Cupid balled her fist, and within and instant threw a punch right into Sanji's chest. "Ai-Ai no ARROW!" She shouted, and Sanji went flailing.

Ten things happened at once. Five arms grew out of nowhere, binding Cupid in place. Chopper grabbed onto Usopp's leg as he ran screaming for the galley. Luffy bristled and barked, "How dare you punch one of my nakama!"

Nami kept right on talking. "Sanji, don't open your eyes! She ate the Ai-Ai Fruit! If she punches you—"

Zoro leapt forward, drawing his swords to attack Cupid. But Sanji fell right into his path. The two collided, and toppled to the deck in a tangle of limbs.

"--you'll fall in love with the first person you see!"

And then, without really hearing her, Sanji blinked his eyes and found himself staring right at Zoro.

There was a fearful moment of silence.

Then Cupid started laughing.

"Nami, what did you say?" Zoro asked, his face already breaking out in beads of sweat.

"Don't panic, guys, don't panic, we'll—"

Cupid kept laughing.

"NAMI, WHAT DID YOU SAY!" Zoro asked, much louder, much more desperate this time.

"Will someone shut her UP!" Nami pointed at Cupid, who was still immobilized by Robin's prison. In a flash, Luffy wound his fist up and let out a battle cry of rage.

"Gomu-Gomu no PISTOL!" He screamed, and launched her in the general direction of her Galleon. She glinted in the sunlight as she flew.

"That was weird." Robin pointed out. No one could say she was wrong.

"NAMI!" Zoro snarled, staring down the face of Sanji, whose eyes seemed much less angry toward him than usual.

"Maybe….maybe it didn't affect him…" Nami said hopefully, and the crew began to slowly inch toward the swordsman and the cook who was sprawled across him.

"Zoro?" Sanji asked. His voice didn't SEEM any different – not with this first word. Everyone expected to hear the usual 'get off of me!' to roll off his tongue after this. But, much to everyone's horror, it was not to be the case.

"Yes?" Zoro asked, a man at the gallows.

Sanji threw his arms around Zoro with a kittenish smile on his face – a smile he usually reserved for anything with breasts. A wave of shock hit the crew of the Going Merry like a hydrogen bomb as Sanji exclaimed, "You saved me!"

Zoro, obviously, was too stunned to move, as Luffy muttered somewhere in the background, "Actuallly no one saved him…"

As Zoro's face turned a rather unhealthy shade of puce, and Sanji nuzzled him lovingly, Chopper and Usopp emerged from the galley. "Did we…..did we miss anything?"


	2. Chapter 2

Shot Through the Heart

Chapter Two

"All right, great, I found it!" Nami cried triumphantly, a magazine flapping behind her as she came running into the galley.

"I SAID, stop looking at me!" Zoro turned and shrieked, his blood pressure still patently off the charts as he tried to stay casual about the fact that Sanji was leaning over the table and staring at him, grinning.

"Zoro-kun is so passionate!" Sanji chirped. The assembled audience of Luffy, Usopp, Robin, and Chopper cringed and shuddered from the utter weirdness of it all. No one was really paying attention to Nami.

She stomped her foot and shouted, "HEY! I have some information! About Love-Love Island and what happened here!"

"Why didn't you have it before?" Zoro growled, and scooted back and forth, expertly dodging Sanji's hands as they tried to grab for his swords, "stop it!"

"I just wanted to polish your swords for you…" Sanji pouted, by this point crawling on top of the table.

Robin snickered, but no one seemed to notice. They'd gotten used to the fact that she derived more than simple amusement from certain things. Everyone chalked it up to her age and left it alone.

"Because it was an article in a pulp magazine!" she held up a copy of 'Mysteries of the Grand Line', a cheap serial that was quite popular with those who had never actually sailed the Grand Line, "I always thought it was just a story, but apparently it's true!"

She flipped through the magazine, trying to find the correct page. Meanwhile, Zoro was trying rather loudly to explain that his swords didn't NEED polishing, as Sanji pestered him with other requests to do simpering, menial tasks.

Nami read aloud, "Love-Love Island, so named for its startling land formation very similar to a heart, was a famed honeymoon destination for the wealthiest citizens of the Grand Line…..blah blah blah….until a pirate by the name of Cupid the Matchmaker began to terrorize the island with her peculiar brand of trickery. The irresistible beauty, using the powers of the mysterious Ai-Ai Fruit, would cause visiting newlywed husbands to fall in love with her, afterwards easily walking away with everything they owned. The hapless men would remain devoted to Cupid for the rest of their lives, leaving the wives alone on Love-Love Island, bitter, betrayed, and completely untrusting of beautiful women—' well that certainly explains things, '—even when the tourists began to avoid Love-Love Island, Cupid continued to patrol the sea surrounding it, easily pillaging merchant and pirate ships with her devilish wiles. Cupid is not considered armed and dangerous, but for the psychological havoc she has wrought, she is Wanted by the Marines for—' it doesn't say anything indicating that the effects can be reversed!"

Zoro inched toward the door, dragging a clinging Sanji along. "Let! Go! Of! Me!"

"I'll never let go, Zoro-kun! I'll never let go!" Sanji sang sweetly. Usopp appeared as if he might be sick.

"Oi, Zoro," Nami reached over and plucked one of Zoro's ears, holding him at bay for a few moments, "this is fun to watch and all, but we have some serious research to do if we want to save your sanity – and Sanji's. Before you kill him, or yourself, or both, might you consider taking one for the team? At least until we figure out what to do, here?"

Judging from Zoro's expression, it seemed that Nami had just asked him to slit an infant's throat. " 'Take one for the team'? And just what is THAT supposed to mean!"

Nami pointed sternly. Sanji was climbing him like a tree, but Zoro managed to stay paralyzed with anger and shock. "He'll probably be much easier to handle if you just let him do as he pleases! All he wants to do right now is fawn over you – it's not like you can complain about having a personal slave, now, right!"

Zoro growled in his throat, and twisted his lip in a moment of wondering whether it was worth it to argue with Nami. Finally, he addressed the skinny blonde hanging from around his shoulders. "Oi! Cook!"

"Haaiii?" Sanji replied, eager to please and happy to be acknowledged.

"Make me something to eat."

Sanji was off of him immediately, bounding toward the counter as if dancing on air. "Of course! Of course! Whatever Zoro-kun desires!"

Nami watched carefully and actually saw Zoro smirk, as he crossed his arms and went on. "Yeah, I'd like the absolute finest meal you can make. With lots of meat. And something battered in rum."

"Hai, Zoro-kun!" Tying his apron behind his back, Sanji kicked one leg back and posed.

"What are we supposed to eat?" Luffy asked feebly, his fear beginning to set in.

"You're not hated in town – I supposed you can go find something at one of the restaurants," Nami explained. Luffy barely heard her words before he set off, "meanwhile we can try to get to the bottom of this. There has to be SOME way to get Sanji back to normal…"

"Um, just don't be EXTREMELY quick about it," Zoro muttered, "I do want whatever's he's fixing for me."

"You do know he'll probably want to feed it to you by hand, right?" Nami almost whispered in passing. Zoro bristled, but didn't have a comeback prepared before Usopp and Chopper hurried past. Chopper tugged on his pant-leg, and Zoro glanced down.

"Do you want me to stay?" Chopper asked.

"Why would I need you to stay?" Zoro asked coldly, but not quite as harshly as he would have addressed any of the others.

Chopper looked a little puzzled with his own reasoning. "Well….he just looks pretty crazy….he might hurt you…"

"He won't hurt me."

"But—"

"Trust me. I'll tell you when you're older." He patted Chopper on the head, and the reindeer skittered off after the others, with Robin bringing up the rear.

"Anything you'd like for me to pick up for you in town?" Robin asked, her tone expectedly snide.

"Yeah, a muzzle might be useful for that creep if we can't figure out some way to make him behave."

Robin breezed off with a chuckle at this.

After some time of nervous waiting, hoping perhaps that Sanji had forgotten he was there, Zoro lifted one foot and scratched the back of his other ankle. How did Nami handle this, he wondered to himself. She milked Sanji's affection for all it was worth, but she seemed much better at doing it.

In the midst of his reverie, Sanji walked up, holding a spoonful of something. It must have been whatever was smelling so wonderful at the moment. "Taste," he commanded happily, and held the spoon up for Zoro. Though he narrowed his eyes as if in warning, Zoro opened his mouth and allowed himself to be fed the sample.

Whatever it was, it tasted delectable. Spectacular. Better than anything Sanji had cooked for them before. But then, he had to remind himself, Sanji did always try a lot harder for the women, if he tried for the men at all. As Zoro swallowed back the concoction, he noticed that Sanji was waiting on pins and needles for his approval.

"It's good," he managed, averting his glance, feeling almost dumb to be offering the cook any sort of encouragement.

"Thank you," Sanji bowed at the shoulders, and backed up to the stove. With a curious glance over his shoulder, he added, "Zoro-kun, would you like to sit down? The sauce might take a while to simmer."

Zoro shifted uneasily. How embarrassing. "Yeah, sure, I guess." Embarrassing, and surreal on top of that. He walked over to the table as if creeping past a wolf, and took a seat carefully. When he finally looked up, Sanji was, as expected, staring at him. "WHAT! What are you looking at?" he shouted.

"Zoro-kun is very handsome." Sanji explained with a smile.

At this, Zoro's stomach did a little flip-flop. Having never heard such a compliment before, he'd always expected to be informed of his good looks by someone of the opposite sex, at least. And certainly not by I Sanji /I , if it came down to that. He stared blankly for a moment, his eyes fixed on the blonde, his lips narrowed uneasily, and finally stammered a reply.

"St-stop that! That makes me uncomfortable!" He cried. In fact, the whole situation made him uncomfortable. But, judging from Nami's assessment of the situation, saying so wouldn't really help his cause.

"I'm sorry!" Sanji drew back slightly, and his face melted into an apologetic look, "I just can't look away, because every time I do, I want to look at you again!"

"This is so twisted." Zoro muttered to himself, and leaned into one hand, cringing.

"I'm sorry!" Sanji cried, more crazed than before, and fell onto the bench next to Zoro. He rested his face against the swordsman's shoulder, and begged, "please don't hate me! I'll do whatever you ask!"

"Keep yourself busy and don't ever come near me."

"…except that."

"Why did I expect as much?"

Sanji actually looked as if the thought of not being in Zoro's immediate presence had him in I pain /I . With a melodramatic flourish of his wrist, Zoro rolled his eyes and pronounced, "Fine. Siddown if you want to, just…I'm not big on talking, all right?"

"All right," Sanji replied, his tone kittenish as he pulled himself onto the bench beside Zoro. Again, Zoro had to wonder if he was just being his usual, overly abrasive self in this situation. It could be considered mostly harmless, if he looked at things from an outsider's point-of-view. He'd shared a living space with Yosaku and Johnny, and in those two years he'd seen them indulge in more platonic physical contact than most romantic couples could stand. But something about the way Sanji cuddled next to him, wrapping his slender arm around Zoro's, pressing him shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh…it just irked him in a way he couldn't begin to explain.

"Hey, hey," he squirmed a bit next to Sanji, feeling a bit trapped, like a blonde barnacle was clinging to him, "not so…tight, okay?"

"I'm sorry, am I hurting you?" Sanji eased his already-gentle grip on Zoro's arm, and managed to sound genuinely concerned. It was only a split-second thought that kept Zoro from slapping him across the room with what would have been a dire implication of war on any other day.

"N-no! Just…listen, I don't—"

He wondered, for a second, in a thoroughly unusual moment of double-thought, if there would be any side-effects if he totally brushed off Sanji's affections.

Or was that what he was really thinking, at all? Was it just that the words "I don't like you" were so quick on his tongue? He'd never really thought about it, before. What those words really meant.

He didn't I hate /I Sanji, much as he wanted to put his head through a wall most days. He was a good person, a respectable fighter…even if he could be a grade-A doofus at times like these…in fact, most of the time…

"Zoro?" Sanji ran a finger through his earrings, tickling a spot that was far too sensitive for Zoro not to start back in shock.

"Don't do that!" He clapped a hand to his ear, eyes wide and fearful, teeth bared as if Sanji were some monster intent on eating his soul. A blush rose, despite all his inner urgings that it didn't. The cook only shrunk back a little, poking his index fingers together, looking more repentant than Zoro had ever seen him.

"…sorry…" Sanji said softly. For a long moment, neither spoke. The surreal quality of the scene sank into Zoro's brain again, as he slumped against the table and tried to look nonchalant about the outburst. There was no good reason this should feel so awkward. No good reason why his nerves were so rattled by something as simple as Sanji being less than a breath away. He'd expected to feel disgust, maybe ennui, but certainly not something as compromising as this.

Unable to stay away, perhaps feeding off the closeness of Zoro like a sort of Devil-Fruit-induced drug addiction, Sanji sidled close again, and tentatively leaned against his shoulder. He was tenser this time, ready for any sharp movements he knew Zoro was wont to make. But still, they didn't speak. The food bubbled and crackled and sizzled in three separate pans on the stove, and that was the only soundtrack.

Zoro looked at the wall, straight ahead. He was contemplating, as deeply as Zoro could possibly contemplate. About as deep as a birdbath.

There were instincts being tugged at. Past thoughts he'd long considered harmless were fluttering to life once more. And, with slow realizations that he'd hoped to never reveal to himself, or the crew, or I least /I of all Sanji, he knew why, at the very beginning of this whole fiasco, an inexplicable terror had gripped him.

Sanji sighed deeply - a high-pitched, blissful sigh. Zoro gulped by contrast.


	3. Chapter 3

Shot Through the Heart

Chapter Three

Cupid, as Nami soon found out, had suffered only a minor concussion after her run-in with Luffy's Gomu-Gomu no Pistol. In fact, she appeared rather comfortable for her injuries, sunk deep in white velvet cushions and flanked on all sides by women tending to her every need. As a redhead with waist-length braids held a cold pack to Cupid's forehead, a pair of blonde twins manicured her nails in perfect synchronization.

Nami couldn't lie and say that she wasn't uncomfortable. No matter how firmly she was being convinced that her presence was welcome.

It was only through Serendipity that Nami had wound up on Cupid's ship in the first place. In fact, Serendipity was only her pirate name – she loved to talk, and confessed to Nami in between less pertinent ramblings that her real name was Mildred. Not a very threatening moniker to match a girl with tri-colored hair and no less than seven piercings that Nami could readily see (leading her to speculate on more). She grinned to reveal a diamond-capped front left tooth, and explained that Cupid adored visitors, even ones that might consider themselves her enemies.

"Everyone gets the wrong idea, they do, thinkin' she's a monster an' everything. Really, I ain't never seen her hurt nobody," Serendipity was a strong rower, and Nami was grateful enough for the ride that she bit her tongue on the subject of Cupid, "we loves to party on board the _Aphrodite_. But most of the guests, they gets kinda frightened of us. I guess they don't trust us well enough."

Before she could ask why, Nami felt the little rowboat slow and then still. She looked up to see the looming whitewashed hull of Cupid's galleon. A rope ladder fluttered a few feet above their heads.

Serendipity hooked her oars, tethered the rowboat to the hull, and then leaned forward suddenly. She pushed her face right up to Nami's nose, her huge eyes so close that Nami could see every detail of her spiked mascara and glitter eyeshadow.

"Eeeee!" Nami reared back in shock at the intrusion of her personal space.

"Ay," Serendipity began softly, her dark skin making the bright green of her eyes stand out even more, "you're comfortable with…the female form, right?"

Though confused by the question, Nami found herself nodding.

Within an instant, Serendipity let out a joyful "Good!" and leapt up to grab the rope ladder. Her move sent the little boat rollicking, and Nami struggled to find balance in her wake. As she climbed after Serendipity, Nami noticed a pirate mark tattooed near her backside on one ebony thigh. A winged heart backed by crossbones. _Tres_ fitting.

The heart motif continued into the dining hall where she was led Everything was white and gold and red, dripping with rococo and feminine decadence. But, despite the extravagant décor, the most stunning things in the room were the crew themselves. All women, all celebrating, dancing on tables where they weren't drinking or flinging knives at giggling targets against the walls.

Cupid sat at the head of it all, swathed in a great sumptuous cloak, spiraling filigreed hearts in solid gold crowning her throne.

As Nami approached, suspiciously, a great racket of running feet broke out behind her. She turned, defensively, and reached for the Climatact at her hip. Serendipity's wrist jangled with bangles and beads as she reached out to hold her in check. She laughed.

"Cool it, it's just Kyndal."

An excessively tall, excessively hippy brunette was trouncing down the length of the dining table at full speed, grinning and rattling dishes as she came. A few of her supposed crewmates flung themselves off and away from the table to avoid her, some laughing and some cursing.

"She always does this. Well, not always, but enough ta be nothin' ta worry about." Serendipity said calmly.

The twin manicurists and the red-haired nurse broke away as Kyndal launched herself off the end of the table and right at Cupid. Cupid appeared unfazed, even as the brunette projectile landed heavily all over her.

"Lemme lemme lemme lemme lemme lemme!" Kyndal cried repeatedly, sliding all around Cupid's throne and Cupid herself like a hyperactive three year old under the influence of a fast-forward button. She was nudging her elbows between bulbous breasts and adjusting her long legs across thick thighs, all while Cupid dealt with it gracefully. In fact, the Captain of the crew just sat there, eyebrows aloft with ennui, obviously accustomed to such behavior.

"Kyndal," she said smoothly, "I've told you before, you can't sit in my throne when we have guests."

"Guests? What? Where's a guest? Huh?" Kyndal's head snapped all around excitedly. She reminded Nami of a beautiful, anthropomorphized Chihuahua. Finally Cupid pointed with one half-manicured finger at the outsider among them.

Eyes focused on her from every corner of the dining hall, and Nami wet her lips. The noise slowly died down, until Cupid had enough silence at her attention to address the visitor. "Welcome, Straw Hat girl."

"Navigator." Nami sneered defensively.

Cupid gave a saccharine smile. Her eyes still looked predatory somehow. Nami had never though that being in a room full of females would make her more uncomfortable than being attacked by a host of horny Bellamy pirates. "Navigator, yes. We have one of those, too."

"Hidely-ho!" A young, boyish girl waved one skinny hand at Nami from the other end of the table. Nami waved back nervously.

"Thank you, Kie. Ladies, this is _Nami_, she's one of the _Straw Hat Pirates_," Cupid said importantly, as if she were annunciating for the benefit of a kindergarten class. A chorus of "oohs" and "aahs" went up amidst a murmur of speculation. Nami scratched her elbow and glanced at a blank spot on the wall, "she might be joining us soon!"

"I WILL NOT," Nami's head snapped back at Cupid, and she couldn't help but yell, "I came here to talk to you about what you did to Sanji!"

"Sanji?" Cupid pulled a curious face, and tapped a fingernail on her chin in thought, "Sanji…Sanji….oh! The ugly blonde!"

Nami's eyes grew wide. She'd heard her share of unkind adjectives describing Sanji, but ugly certainly wasn't one of them. As she was about to protest, Kyndal was tugging on Cupid's collar and demanding attention. "What a stupid name, anyway! What'd'ya do to him, Cupid, huh huh?"

"Oh, I used the Ai-Ai Arrow on him, and I guess she's all pissed off about that…" Cupid bowed her eyebrows and looked at Nami, "did he fall in love with you, dear? It's rather annoying, isn't it? I feel very sorry for you, having men crawling all over you is very difficult to accept with aplomb."

"NO, he was already IN love with me, and you—"

"Oh, dear…" Cupid began, grinning, covering her mouth halfway with her fingers. Everyone else began to giggle, as well.

"—YOU made him fall in love with ZORO!"

The giggles turned into raucous laughter.

"Oh, no, _did I?_" Cupid replied overdramatically, then gestured around the hall, "I've already told all of them about it, don't worry about going over the details, darling. The only thing we love more than tearing undeserving men away from beautiful women is pairing them up with another undeserving man!"

"Huzzah!" A salute went up, and every glass was raised.

Nami was flabbergasted, but somehow found her words. "I want to know what you plan to do about it!"

Cupid lifted her fingers and counted off on them, all while Kyndal continued to nuzzle her. "First of all, I plan on having you join my crew. Then, I plan on getting that gorgeous, leggy one as well—"

"Robin? Are you NUTS?"

"—I collect beautiful things—then I plan on having a pina colada and going to bed. Normal day, nothing to write home about." She smiled.

"There has to be an antidote! Tell me about the antidote!"

"Antidote? Oh, you're so naïve…"

Before she knew it, Nami had jogged right up to Cupid's throne, shoved Kyndal out of the way, and was kneeling in the bombshell's lap with the Climatact pressed firmly against her throat. "Listen, bitch, we have a very delicate balance to maintain on our ship, and I'm afraid the order of things requires that Sanji be in love with ME. Otherwise the natural balance will be thrown out of whack, and you'll get your neck broken."

"So are you in love with the blonde one, or the beefy one, anyway?" Cupid tilted her head a tiny bit, and Nami only pressed harder. Cupid seemed as bored as ever, and it was only a moment later that Nami felt something push against the back of her head. Then, it clicked, the way a gun clicked.

"Shit." Nami hissed through clenched teeth.

"Come on, just leave peacefully," A silky, relatively normal voice said behind her, "we have our own natural balance of things to maintain, too."

Fighting was a bad idea. It was only herself against an army in spiked heels with long nails. She pulled back, locking on Cupid with a putrid expression, and stepped down from the throne. A few people giggled.

"Don't laugh," Cupid commanded her crew, as Nami found herself gently assumed control of by the owner of the gun, "she's quite skillful."

"I think she's quite skillful," Serendipity pouted from the corner where she was kneeling, an unrecognizable dice game underway with two other girls, "I want her to stay."

A few other women cried "Yeah!" assent, which led to a strong rallying cry against Nami's departure.

"OH SHUT UP!" She finally shouted, unable to stand the bizarre situation any longer, "I'M NOT JOINING YOUR CRACKPOT CREW!"

There was a moment of silence, and Cupid sighed loudly. "Yeah, we get that a lot. Take her back on deck, Psyche." Cupid waved her away, face a little sad with resignation.

The short-haired, well-toned pirate named 'Psyche' had Nami's arm in a death grip, making her claw-filed nails subtly apparent. Nami winced only slightly as she was led out on the deck, and a few of the Cupid mates mumbled goodbye to her in passing.

Such an incredibly strange ship. Such incredibly strange pirates.

"Well, you're an odd breed, just going at Cupid like that," Psyche mumbled as they stepped through the galley door. The sunlight hit her full force and Nami suddenly remembered how hot the air was around Love-Love Island, "usually our hospitality wins people over. You must be really attached to this fellow in your crew."

"Well…I'm…" Nami stammered, and wanting desperately to be interrupted.

She wasn't. Psyche stared at her, the sunglasses she wore pitch black and unreadable, only reflecting Nami's desperate face right back.

"I'm really attached to my crew." She finally explained herself. It was the only summation of things that really seemed to fit. Not that she wasn't enjoying the humor involved as much as the rest of them, but things simply couldn't stay this way.

Ever the practical one.

Besides, she was starting to realize the difference between Good Food and Specially-Prepared-Love-Food. And she didn't like the end of the bargain she was facing. Not that Zoro could appreciate a fine shrimp cocktail, anyway…

Psyche was still staring at her, and Nami realized they were sharing an unnerving silence. She cleared her throat, and squirmed in Psyche's hand. Releasing her, the pirate curled her sea-chapped lips into a smile, and said in a low voice, "I'll tell you what you need to do."

"Really?" Nami leaned closely, hushed whisper and wide eyes.

"Most people figure it out after sticking around the island for a while. But I'll tell you, because I like you. I love Cupid as much as the next girl here, but I will tell you: she wants you. And she has incredible ways of getting what she wants. She's a very spoiled little brat and it would do your crew best to get out of here as quickly as possible. So I'm going to tell you."

"That's the best news I've heard all day!"

"You might not like it, though."

"Whatever! Tell me!" Now she was getting testy. _Steady, Nami, _she had to tame herself.

"Well," Psyche adjusted her sunglasses. Her nails were polished in black. Nami smirked, "have you ever read the _Anatomica Metaphysica_?"

She cocked an eyebrow. That was one of those books everyone knew about, but very few had actually read. It was treated as sort of a quack Bible, all the way from South Blue to the Grand Line. "No."

"Well, in it, Porcerespia talks of the right brain and the left brain, and theorizes that whichever side is NOT controlled by the brain…is controlled by the heart. He also theorizes the connection between the brain and the soul. Now—"

"Get to the point."

"Is he right-handed or left-handed, honey?"

"Right…"

Psyche capped a hand on Nami's shoulder. "As long as he can't see out of his left eye, then, you're fine," she cleared her throat and added, "most women on the island have…well….blinded their men in their corresponding eye…just to hedge their bets. Also…cause they're pretty pissed off. But a simple eyepatch will do."

"Can't see…left eye…?"

Psyche was already walking away backwards, pointing hastily. "There's the ladder, down there's the boat, that way's the island. Toodles!"

Unusual pirates, indeed.


	4. Chapter 4

Shot Through the Heart

Chapter Four

In the middle of his meal, which Zoro was very much enjoying, Sanji broke across the table and asked something that made him choke.

"Zoro-kun, I have to kiss you!"

Sanji commenced the Heimlich maneuver as quick as a flash, and once the portion of lobster had been dislodged from his throat, Zoro coughed through the taste of the bisque he'd been eating to bark, "Whaddya mean, you HAVE to kiss me?"

This was a strange, strange Devil Fruit, and Zoro hated, hated, HATED Cupid the Matchmaker for being the sadistic one to eat it. Almost fifteen minutes had passed, and nothing had happened to test his nerves. It had been strange, of course, having Sanji hunched over with his hands between his knees, watching him eat with starry, unblinking eyes, but it was nothing that the three-coarse seafood dinner hadn't helped to quell. Until now.

Now, Sanji was grabbing his face – covering him from jawline to cheekbone and lodging his thumbs near Zoro's hairline. He was pulling him forward. It felt like slow-motion, but it wasn't.

Sanji was kissing him, apparently not noticing that Zoro was thrashing beneath.

They wound up on the galley floor, in a tangle of limbs similar to where they had found themselves at the beginning of this whole mess. Instinct and duty were fighting one another. The former told him to rail on the skinny blonde for the trespass, but the latter warned him of the possibility that Ai-Ai Fruit-influenced Sanji would turn out to be a masochist, as well. Also, he had the undeniable urge to finish his meal. And he wouldn't risk it being upset from the table at this point, already having survived Sanji practically pulling him over and across it…

Zoro held back Sanji's face and wiped his mouth, expectorating whatever taste of him was left behind. Sanji whined and struggled, trying to push forward. Why did Zoro suddenly identify with all those helpless damsels always being tied to railroad tracks?

"You can't kiss me!" Zoro growled.

"But I just did! And you let me!" It was true; Sanji was no longer grounded in anything anyone could even remotely begin to refer to as 'reality.'

"You surprised me! And I didn't like it!"

"I'm sorry! I promise it will be better this time!" He lunged at Zoro, but this time Zoro held him back with both hands. It was like trying to push back a wall – Sanji was simply not going to cave on this urge of the Devil Fruit. No matter what Zoro said, there was a loophole, a Monkey's Paw. Sanji's soft blond hair was falling around his hands. It felt soft, wispy, not very thick and manly like his own. Zoro had never really had the time to run his finger's through someone's hair – anyone's hair – but he would lay bets that Sanji's hair was like a woman's.

"Gah! _Don't kiss me!_ Just don't!" He finally found his words.

The wall of insistency beneath his hands that was, indeed, Sanji's face, fell back. Zoro was still angry in the prone position, but simply looked up at Sanji warningly, breathing hard over the exertion as if it had been the most dire of battles. I "Teme…" /I he finally added, if just to distract himself from the oddly detached, thinking look on Sanji's face.

"Well that certainly complicates things…" Sanji began, his skinny shoulders lifting and then sagging back as he sighed, "Zoro-kun doesn't want to be kissed, but I have to please Zoro-kun…"

"You can please me by getting off of me and not coming near me!"

Sanji's eyes glinted, and Zoro was quite startled into silence. His eyes went wide; his lip twitched involuntarily on what would have been a grimace if his face weren't drawn agape at that moment. "No, no, that will not please you. Not the way I need to please you…"

"What the hell?" Zoro wondered out loud, almost groaning. It was no use pleading with the Ai-Ai fruit, he considered. Its powers must have grown stronger in Sanji over time. He could only imagine the poor men driven insane by its properties, forced to madness over something they could never have. All while Cupid the Matchmaker laughed at them…

Thinking took him too long, and sometimes he missed things in the process. This time, for instance, he'd missed the transition of Sanji's hands to the underside of his haramaki, feeling out the band of his pants. Zoro squirmed in half-conscious disbelief, then lost it once he discovered what Sanji's intentions were, most likely. "Listen!" he hurried to explain, "I think…um…maybe…our relationship is heading in the wrong way too fast. Maybe we should…" –what was it he'd read in Nami's _Cosmopiraten_?- "slow down and share some time with each other first! I don't…" –this was making his stomach hurt, to say it, but at least Sanji's hands were slowing down- "…want our relationship to start out like this! I don't feel like I _know_ you yet. I just want to…" he was surprised that Sanji had ceased all covert operations beneath his haramaki, and his eyes were glued, unassuming and unblinking, on Zoro, "…get to know you? Talk? Maybe?" He finished hopefully, bracing himself and feeling quite sick that he'd spoken those words.

He let out a breath of relief that Sanji's hands had stopped violating him – he already felt light-headed enough as it was, all the kissing at the soft hair and whatnot – the last thing he'd needed was for Sanji to bring up any more well-kept secrets of his. Quite literally, he mused to himself.

"You want to talk?" Sanji asked, twisting his hands in on each other near his heart in a strange way of pointing at himself. There was a sickening way in which this Devil Fruit made his eyes seem larger and more voluminous than before. Zoro could almost swear he saw him _sparkling_. "You said you weren't big on talking, though…"

"I…" And at once, his moronic tendency to lose his capacity to speak came flooding back. Hopefully, Sanji would mistake the silence for insecurity?

Success, apparently, because the cook launched into a monologue before Zoro could even eke out such a lame excuse as 'I changed my mind' (which, really, he had, but only in the face of so unpleasant an alternative). "Oh, Zoro-kun!" A bear-hug from Sanji's skinny body pushed him harder into the floor, not letting him go without a short "oof!" of discomfort. Sanji smiled, and rattled his words off so quickly that Zoro wasn't sure he had half of the first sentence digested before it was all over. "Maybe you're right, maybe our relationship's moving too fast – and it's all my fault, I know it is! But all I wanted to do was make you happy, and it didn't look like you were enjoying your meal very much-"

_Damn it, should've been more theatrical about how good that tasted._

"-I figured maybe we needed to explore our physical attraction. I thought that was what you wanted, maybe it would make you happy if I catered to your every desire and made you feel good that way. I'm trying so hard, Zoro-kun, I really am! But if you want to talk, that's just fine! What do you want to talk about?"

Sanji grinned down at him expectantly, patting his haramaki back into place as Zoro's eyes darted back and forth, trying to realize what he needed to say. Unfortunately, instinct took hold.

"Um. Swords."

As soon as he'd said it, Zoro felt he'd made a grievous error. But he heard Sanji give a strange 'coooo', and looked up to see the blond with a dreamy look on his face, clutching his hands next to one cheek in a pose he normally reserved for their navigator, who was admittedly far more worth it (and far more adept at deflecting the worship). "Zoro-kun is so wonderful with his swords! I know they're important to you – I'm sorry I tried to polish them earlier, I know you must be very attached to them – but don't you see that's exactly why? I knew you loved your swords, so I wanted to do something nice for them...for you…"

They looked at each other. Zoro almost wasn't put off by his back being on the floor, anymore. Sanji's words almost made…good gracious, they couldn't be making _sense_?

"Zoro-kun is so brave when he fights, and so good with his swords! It take up your days to train with them, so that you can protect me in battle—" _you tunnel-visioned git_ "--that's why I have to take care to feed you well and let you sleep, so that you can use your strength wisely! So noble, so strong…"

The sparkly look had returned. Zoro tried his hardest not to stare directly. "Tch. You feed me tripe and rotten leftovers."

"That's not true! I feed Zoro-kun whatever has the most protein and electrolytes!" He sounded almost insulted, then gestured with a glum face toward the table, "that food I just made you is simply going to sit in your stomach, it'll slow you down for a day or two."

"You've been…" Zoro blinked, "you've been feeding me according to a diet?"

Sanji nodded resolutely. "I know what Zoro-kun needs."

"Well I…I can't say I've ever felt starved, actually…"

"Or that you've ever slowed down in battle because you didn't have the proper nourishment…"

Awkward silence. Pushing and shoving over a kiss would have been better. He was getting wishy-washy about the whole situation, but it wasn't as if he'd had time to develop a strategy.

"That's um…that's actually pretty nice of you…"

Sanji sucked in a breath through his nose that inflated his smile and seemed to make him sparkle even more noticeably. Zoro hoped that whole effect was simply his eyes playing tricks on him. "Oh, Zoro-kun! I'm so glad I've made you happy!"

"Yeah, I guess it does make me happy that you haven't just been feeding me mashed up rotten fish-heads like you always claimed…" he snarled.

"Fish heads _do_ contain lots of protein…" Sanji mumbled to himself, and Zoro almost shot him a contemptuous glare, but Sanji's hands distracted this impulse. They landed on his shoulders, grabbing his shirt, and Sanji laughed.

"This makes me feel so much better! I was afraid I'd failed Zoro-kun completely!"

"Well…" Zoro began a statement, but didn't finish it. Again, the words 'I still don't like you' seemed so nebulously natural on his lips, he literally had to bite them back. Threat of Nami's wrath if he screwed everything up loomed most prominent in his mind, even more threatening than the feeling of his front teeth drawing blonde on the very tip of his tongue.

Sanji tilted his head and waited from him to continue, but finally decided he would not (which was the correct assumption. Zoro stole a sideways glance, and Sanji smiled. "Would Zoro-kun kiss me?"

"What? No!"

"I'm sorry!" Sanji let his hands fly back and forth in apology, "ahhh, I'm moving too fast again. Maybe we should talk about that! Just what does Zoro want before we become more serious? Is it time? I'll give you time…"

_You'll give me a nervous breakdown…_

"…I think maybe Zoro-kun doesn't like me kissing him…maybe because I'm a boy…"

This time Zoro's eyes locked with Sanji's immediately, as ridiculously oversized as they seemed. What had his words been? Oh, no, he'd heard them all right. Those were the words he'd been dreading to hear Sanji say. Everything else, he could deflect, but the feeling in his gut, the tickle in the back of his mind, the very tenuous associations with his own psyche that he'd felt since living with Johnny and Yosaku…they were all quite apparent.

"No, that's not it. Not at all."

Sanji spoke softly, in a way that Zoro would almost call polite if they hadn't already been the only ones present to hear. "Zoro-kun likes boys?"

"Zoro-kun—" he began to snap, and then shook his head violently, snarling, "I'M not sure of what I like, but it's just…"

_Not him…?_

But why not?

_Because it's him. I despise him. He's been nothing but trouble for me._

Why? Because he's your equal?

No, not my equal, just annoying! And he's straight, anyway, always fawning over girls and making it so apparent! It's sickening. He has no reasonable ambitions to become stronger, he just wants to live in a castle with a princess and make puff pastries!

"I don't think you've been paying very close attention to me, Zoro-kun…" Sanji's voice suddenly dropped in register, and his hands snaked from Zoro's shoulders to caress his face again. Zoro didn't budge, this time. He attempted instead to burn holes into Sanji's skull with his eyes, holding an impassive face the entire time, "you haven't noticed the ways I've made you jealous, the ways I've baited you, the arguments I'll pick with you just so you'll prove to me what I already know…"

Now _this_ all sounded a bit presumptuous for someone under the influence of a Devil Fruit designed for sudden infatuation…not to mention that sudden drop in register.

Zoro cocked an eyebrow most severely, and widened his eyes. "What the hell--?"

Sanji let out his all-too-familiar guttural chuckle, and tilted Zoro's head back slightly by the chin. "I knew it. You like boys. Well, don't worry. So do I."

It seemed almost not to phase him, that suddenly he didn't seem to be talking to an overzealous doll who called him 'Zoro-kun' and sparkled on command. He was talking back to Sanji, and he didn't feel any ramifications would come from using the strong voice that he did. More of a bark, really. "Liar, you've never shown interest in anything that doesn't have breasts!"

"Ahhhh…well, yes, I do love women as well. They're so soft, so dangerously volatile, so aesthetically pleasing. But you're blind if you haven't seen it…I've shown interest in something else…"

Zoro narrowed his eyes. "…what the hell is going on here, today?"

"Baka." Sanji whispered, and bent low to envelop Zoro's lips with his – a softer, less robotic kiss than the ones before.

There were so many conflicts and questions blocking Zoro's mind that he was unable to sort anything out, unable to move a muscle, until seconds later the door erupted, and Nami led the remainder of the crew back into the galley to find Sanji and Zoro locked in what could not readily be called a one-sided kiss.


End file.
